"I’ve learned how to drop friends"

I know. It sounds pretty harsh right. That’s what I first thought when I heard my co-worker mention this to my other co-worker the other day. Our co-worker, and for the sake of anonymity lets call her Megan, had come to my other co-worker, lets call her Christine, and I for advice regarding her current friend situation. Megan began to realize that her circle of friends was increasingly excluding her from social activities, ignoring her attempts to spend time with them, keeping secrets from her, putting her down for spending too much time working/studying/being on board for her club, and basically was shutting her out of their group. What Megan wanted to gather from us was whether or not she should finish college a year early because of what had happened to her and her friends.

I of course being a very strong supporter of the make-the-best-
out-of-college-because-they-very-likely-are-the-best-years-of-
your-life-and-why-are-you-in-a-rush-to-leave-school-because-
once-you-enter-the-working-world-you-will-miss-college-terribly
mindset, I told Megan that she should not finish school or be swayed to consider leaving college early simply because she had chosen the wrong group of friends. What Christine and I had laid out in black and white for Megan was that her friends were not even friends to begin with. We told her that if these so-called friends of hers couldn’t appreciate her for who she was and didn’t have the decency to be honest and upfront about any qualms they might have had with her, then she should either: 1) find a new group of friends or 2) learn how to devote a smaller amount of time to these people.

When we explained to Megan that she was wasting her time on them, Christine stated that Megan had simply outgrew [her] friends." I had never heard that statement before and, until that moment, I had never considered the fact that some people really do outgrow one another at certain junctions in their lives. It’s funny how the people with whom you once felt the most profound connections and who you embraced wholeheartedly because they spoke the same language as you, because they shared the same beliefs and perspectives regarding people and life, because they would never think any less of you if you did or said something wrong, because you could go to them for anything since you never had to worry about whether or not they were judging you or your motives…it’s funny how you can suddenly feel distant and all-together different from the people who you have come to consider and claim as your best friends. This distance, however, sometimes brews over time and may be reinforced by individuals’ change in goals or values, disapproval of a particular lifestyle, or awareness to attitudes and behaviors which you have outgrown and with which you no longer wish to associate yourself. In Megan’s case, it seems that she had outgrown her friends’ more frivolous concerns as she conducted herself in a more mature manner than her acquaintances.

Christine had explained to us how she had “learned how to drop friends” as she had, many times, purposefully separated herself from old friends who she felt were not motivating her to move forward with her life and were not helping her to become a better person. Christine’s reasoning helped me see that in order to better yourself it may be necessary to remove the negative influences in your life that hinder your goals for success or keep you from achieving a more productive, healthier, happier, etc. lifestyle which you have set out for yourself. And, unfortunately, if the people with which you surround yourself do not support you in the things that you do and do not help bolster your personal development, then you may have to walk away from those familiar faces and, instead, associate yourself more closely with others whose influence helps to lead you in the direction which you want.

The question of loyalty, however, comes to mind especially when you consider distancing yourself from friends of many years. In the “Importance of Friends” study from the Journal of Adolescent Research, it mentions how friends offer encouragement when we experience self-doubt and difficulties in school... so it’s not easy to forget all the good times and dismiss those who have helped you throughout adolescence, divorces, break-ups, illness, and accidents, despite your now different interests and concerns. Some say that people are defined by whom they associate themselves with. I share the opinion that people are, more so, defined by their actions. And some may find that cutting all ties to friends is a drastic and selfish means of bettering yourself as a person. Whether or not you decide that it is necessary to sacrifice your friendships in order to be where you want in life later, you should determine whether losing those friendships is a large or small price to pay for personal growth.