"Tell me what you don’t like about yourself"

If there are any Nip/Tuck fans out there, you’ll recognize this inquiry as what plastic surgeons Dr. Troy and Dr. McNamara use to initiate their client consultations. The popular television show Nip/Tuck dramatizes the lives of both Dr. Troy and McNamara, their families, and their plastic surgery clients by means of sexual trysts, blackmail, incest, murder, and other twisted plot development schemes. The program, while undermining the veneer of aesthetic refinement by scrutinizing the dark side of plastic surgery, comments upon the American conception of beauty and how society today has the ever increasing ability to construct this ideal at a negotiable cost.

I myself have considered plastic surgery on several occasions and I have wondered if such physical enhancement would distort what others thought about me. I worried if my friends and family would be disappointed in my decision to resort to such drastic, artificial beautification most likely brought on by societal and media pressures to achieve the American image of what is beautiful. Then I wondered if their initial alarm and objections would be overcome by the sheer normality and commonness of plastic surgery itself. Aside from others' reactions to my hypothetical decision, I wondered if by going through with any kind of plastic surgery if I would be subjecting myself to the public exploitation of my, and hundreds of other young men and women’s, way of gaining greater self-esteem as I would become a product of a billion dollar industry which profits off of, and possibly manipulates, people’s insecurities. Thereafter, I would belong to a not so select group of “plastic happy” consumers who look to going under the knife or a facial injection of poisonous substance for a quick pick-me-up. Or worse, I would be classified as every other California girl who wanted a little extra so that she could compete with the other beautiful women and their identical lips, breasts, noses, stomachs, and asses.

There’s only one solution to this problem: either be happy with what you have or find a doctor skilled enough to make everything look amazingly real. Then move to another country, change your name, and erase your memory like how they did in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, because let's face it, once you go under the knife for reasons of pure vanity you will be forever branded as partly or even altogether fake.

"I’ve learned how to drop friends"

I know. It sounds pretty harsh right. That’s what I first thought when I heard my co-worker mention this to my other co-worker the other day. Our co-worker, and for the sake of anonymity lets call her Megan, had come to my other co-worker, lets call her Christine, and I for advice regarding her current friend situation. Megan began to realize that her circle of friends was increasingly excluding her from social activities, ignoring her attempts to spend time with them, keeping secrets from her, putting her down for spending too much time working/studying/being on board for her club, and basically was shutting her out of their group. What Megan wanted to gather from us was whether or not she should finish college a year early because of what had happened to her and her friends.

I of course being a very strong supporter of the make-the-best-
out-of-college-because-they-very-likely-are-the-best-years-of-
your-life-and-why-are-you-in-a-rush-to-leave-school-because-
once-you-enter-the-working-world-you-will-miss-college-terribly
mindset, I told Megan that she should not finish school or be swayed to consider leaving college early simply because she had chosen the wrong group of friends. What Christine and I had laid out in black and white for Megan was that her friends were not even friends to begin with. We told her that if these so-called friends of hers couldn’t appreciate her for who she was and didn’t have the decency to be honest and upfront about any qualms they might have had with her, then she should either: 1) find a new group of friends or 2) learn how to devote a smaller amount of time to these people.

When we explained to Megan that she was wasting her time on them, Christine stated that Megan had simply outgrew [her] friends." I had never heard that statement before and, until that moment, I had never considered the fact that some people really do outgrow one another at certain junctions in their lives. It’s funny how the people with whom you once felt the most profound connections and who you embraced wholeheartedly because they spoke the same language as you, because they shared the same beliefs and perspectives regarding people and life, because they would never think any less of you if you did or said something wrong, because you could go to them for anything since you never had to worry about whether or not they were judging you or your motives…it’s funny how you can suddenly feel distant and all-together different from the people who you have come to consider and claim as your best friends. This distance, however, sometimes brews over time and may be reinforced by individuals’ change in goals or values, disapproval of a particular lifestyle, or awareness to attitudes and behaviors which you have outgrown and with which you no longer wish to associate yourself. In Megan’s case, it seems that she had outgrown her friends’ more frivolous concerns as she conducted herself in a more mature manner than her acquaintances.

Christine had explained to us how she had “learned how to drop friends” as she had, many times, purposefully separated herself from old friends who she felt were not motivating her to move forward with her life and were not helping her to become a better person. Christine’s reasoning helped me see that in order to better yourself it may be necessary to remove the negative influences in your life that hinder your goals for success or keep you from achieving a more productive, healthier, happier, etc. lifestyle which you have set out for yourself. And, unfortunately, if the people with which you surround yourself do not support you in the things that you do and do not help bolster your personal development, then you may have to walk away from those familiar faces and, instead, associate yourself more closely with others whose influence helps to lead you in the direction which you want.

The question of loyalty, however, comes to mind especially when you consider distancing yourself from friends of many years. In the “Importance of Friends” study from the Journal of Adolescent Research, it mentions how friends offer encouragement when we experience self-doubt and difficulties in school... so it’s not easy to forget all the good times and dismiss those who have helped you throughout adolescence, divorces, break-ups, illness, and accidents, despite your now different interests and concerns. Some say that people are defined by whom they associate themselves with. I share the opinion that people are, more so, defined by their actions. And some may find that cutting all ties to friends is a drastic and selfish means of bettering yourself as a person. Whether or not you decide that it is necessary to sacrifice your friendships in order to be where you want in life later, you should determine whether losing those friendships is a large or small price to pay for personal growth.

“Never let anyone change who you are”

I heard Donald Trump say this to a live audience on “The Millionaire Inside” the other day. Although he gave this advice within the context of how to be successful and how to achieve one’s goals, it reminded me a lot of how I used to think about people in general. Before, my belief was that people should always accept others for who they are and that people should never change themselves to please others. Although I held on very strongly to this frame of mind, I’ve recently started to consider how the individual, regardless, either intentionally or unintentionally changes himself as a result of complaints from those closest to him who are more directly affected by his behavior or tendencies, to gain approval from certain people or from his peers, to create a persona which he believes will better contribute to society or those around him, to genuinely better himself, to relieve some sort of dissatisfaction in his life, or other various reasons.

I think its easy for people who are very confident and sure of themselves to adhere to this mentality of “never let anyone change who you are.” Its interesting, however, how this mindset can be drastically challenged when you encounter people who shatter all which you once held to be true about yourself and you begin to ponder whether or not the brutally honest criticisms which you are being bombarded with really do apply to you. If you choose to refute these criticisms you remain in a state of control, and possibly denial, rather than self-doubt. You can continue to keep your head up and not let anyone get the best of you. However, if you choose to accept these criticisms as valid and true you may experience a self-awareness to your flaws and may suddenly feel the need to “improve” yourself due to the fear of possibly being a tragically flawed, malicious human being. At times you may have to make the decision of whether or not to own up to your mistakes and personal habits. You can refuse to accept the truth about yourself and retain your convenient self-perception and esteem, or you can recognize your faults and possibly leave yourself vulnerable to further scrutiny and a loss of sense of self. This vulnerability is undoubtedly painful but can be extremely rewarding later as it will allow you to recognize the areas in which you can improve and will help you better understand the meaning of humility and open-mindedness.

But coming back to my earlier point, when that choice of leaving yourself vulnerable leads to the foundation of your person being considerably diminished, that is when you begin to doubt yourself and your actions and you struggle with the idea of whether the change that you choose to initiate for yourself is changing for the better or simply changing for someone else. But then again, who said we have to change ourselves to begin with? And what are our reasons for doing so?

At times change is inevitable but I think it is important that we make the distinction between improving upon our personal faults while coming to accept these flaws as apart of who we are versus changing ourselves entirely to fit others’ preferences and, consequently, abandoning the person who we have come to be.

Introlude

I decided to entitle my blog after Robert Frost’s poem as it embodies the notion of choice and how the individual, at times, makes decisions of which he or she is not entirely certain. Sometimes we don’t know where the choices we make will lead us but sometimes venturing into the unknown and putting oneself in uncomfortable situations is the only way to self-discovery and personal growth. This blog will discuss various issues of change, resistance to and intentions for change and the related topics of identity and self-definition. Stayed tuned.